New morning

Yesterday was a struggle. Not sure why – perhaps too much excitement on the weekend. I was tired all day with thoughts going round my head that usually surface at 3am, all I wanted to do was eat and although I knew if I got out of the house that would help, I couldn’t muster the energy or the willpower to do it. In fact, I was inhabiting the dark space in my head, a bit like an internal dememtor that no one else can see. And although most days fly far too fast, yesterday I started counting down the hours until Gary got home by about 10am. In short, a day with depressive symptoms.

Thankfully, it was just a day because I woke up full of hope and inspiration (ok, not that much inspiration but I was showered by 10am today – a new record. I’d like to put it down to positive attitude but it was more to do with Yarra Valley Water fixing a leak in the road out the front of the house and the thought that perhaps they may cut the water off while they do it! So I didn’t wait until Benjamin was asleep but left him playing in the sun on his playmat in the bedroom while I did my ablutions. Which meant he was asleep by the time I got out. Bless him.). Lovely frosty morning (lovely for me as I didn’t have to get up and drive through it! I did take the jug back in after Gary had defrosted his car… I’m so good to him!) and lots of sunshine. I could do without the sound of the jackhammer as constant background noise, but I may even take the little man for a walk in the morning, something I don’t think I’ve managed to do to date – but I won’t hold myself to it, just in case!

Benjamin is growing so fast that his bassinet won’t be fitting him soon, and he’ll have to go into his own room in the cot. I’m already missing his newbornness even though each day brings exciting new develoments.

Although everyone gets so excited when someone is pregnant, I didn’t have a real sense of what living with a baby was like, having never been around any new ones for any length of time.  Even when he was born I didn’t feel an instant surge of overwhelming love, it was more like, ‘right, what do I do with him now? I don’t know anything about babies!’ I wasn’t too concerned as in my frenzy of reading before and after the birth (knowledge is power – well, it made me feel slightly more in control anyway) the books say that not all mothers feel that, and that the bonding experience occurs over the weeks and months. Now I can’t imagine my life without him and I’m looking forward to seeing him grow and develop into his own little person, but that total dependency and helplessness is such a special time that I can see I’ll miss it when it’s over.

Of course it’s because he’s perfect. If he was one of those unsettled screamy babies I’m sure I would be at my wit’s end and a frazzled wreck. So I’ll be trying to enjoy each day as it comes, even the hard days.

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